I got all fired up at the beginning of the year with my word BETTER. I signed up for a half marathon. I’ve since “retired” from the full marathon, but the half seems to be a good challenge for me – the training is usually achievable, and let’s face it, when I signed up in January, I was post holidays while facing a long Chicago winter and growing into another year older. I thought that would be something great to keep me focused.

And I made a plan to start blogging regularly and create an active Instagram feed. But the truth is, I have a love/hate relationship with social media.

I would prefer to sit and doodle in between a conference call and taking to the computer to design a logo. Rather than surf the seemingly never-ending feeds…up and down and sideways…it’s a time sucker and stimulation overload. For a designer, I suppose it’s good to see what’s out there, but we all know how quickly you can fall into the comparison trap.

Winter was hard in Chicago. I had a pretty decent start in January, but then I sunk really low into darkness. It brought back this recurring dream where I was on a sinking boat and I kept banging on the window thinking someone would hear my pounding and help me out.

I know that working out helps my head – it relieves some of the anxiety stemming from comparisons, getting older, being a single mom of three and figuring out my life! At least I had that, but the darkness had swallowed me. Rather, I sunk down to the bottom of a deep dark sea. I knew I was there, but I felt like I was doing this really lame doggie paddle or swirling swim —not really getting anywhere.

The difference is, that I had set a date for myself. Followed by thinking about my 47th Birthday, which is today. I was completely unaware that while I was in that darkness, I was training. And training hard. Going back to the dream, the only one that would get be out of that sinking boat would be me. I had to figure it out.

Mid-April I was in a complete funk. Deep down, I knew I had to get out of town. I spent time with my sister, and spent a little on retail therapy, too. At the end of April was that half marathon. The weather was absolutely crappy and I struggled to find good weather to train adequately. I was exhausted. But I had signed up, and so I ran.

I finished 2nd out of 115 in my age group. Okay…I thought, “I’ll take that,” and I signed up for the Soldier Field 10-mile run (the weekend before my Birthday). I was still exhausted, the weather was still miserable but I was now swimming upward – I was beginning to see the light at the surface.

At the same time, my Instagram feed had also gone dark. I decided to take a break. No pressure to write, post, think then over think…I had also felt like I had not been creative or painted in quite a few months. I felt there was no imagination happening in our house.

In the flickering light, I saw creativity and progress all around me. I accomplished quite a bit of work that I am really proud of, which I do vow to begin sharing. Despite our hectic activity schedule, there were fewer Grubhub receipts and a lot of home-cooked meals. There were 9-year-old sketches in an opened sketchbook on a new desk that we bought and assembled for his room. There were notes and tabs open on my computer for PC Parts Picker – my middle son is going to build his own computer. And my daughter’s mini polaroid wall had grown immensely and thoughtfully.

This realization hit me during my 10-mile race. I took the time to think about this darkness and where I had been four years ago when I was honestly at a place so low, I didn’t think I would see light. I had come out of darkness then. Here I was four years later, where I thought I completely sucked, felt unproductive, but things were happening. I had been doing the work I just wasn’t giving myself credit for it.

I was getting better…my inspiration word for 2019 was the right choice for me. I see that word a lot in quotes and it really has helped keep my compass pointed forward and to the light.

I finished 19th out of 563. Not bad for an old girl! So, I suppose I’m not going to stop running anytime soon because my results are getting better with age.

I am NOT a smoker! However, this was a gorgeous summer night in the city after the 10-mile run so I gave myself some room to just let go. I have to say, I love this photo that my friend Kerry took of me! HBD to me.

Dew Brand Identity Blog

In the darkness, I was training.